Here's what I would have said.
You're right, Dad. I am a failure. I don't work and I probably will fail all my exams next year. And yes, I did hear you talking to mum in the kitchen about what you think of me. Oh, and I heard you saying how you regretted my birth, a year ago. So yeah, I'm probably not worthy of being your son and I might end up begging and being homeless.
But no, my friends are not 'fuckers'. The girls are not 'bimbos' and I'm sorry if I don't get married, like you want me to. In case you didn't realise, it's not my fault. And no, my friends are not useless. Most of them are great people who I'd die for. So yes, you can think they're detrimental to my life but they're all that keep me going.
"They're all that keep you going?", you say? Yes, they are. You're no reason for me to stay alive. If I could support my weight from my ceiling, I'd have hung myself 5 minutes ago. I think you've driven me to a certain point that I shouldn't be at when I'm only 17. I don't think I should consider suicide everytime I enter my house. I shouldn't be scared when you walk past me. I shouldn't see the devil when I look into your eyes. And I definitely shouldn't hate my own father this much.
You know, I loved you. Honestly, I did. I'd say it more than once a day to you. But you never ever said it back. Not once, that I can remember. That's a 4 year memory of my dad not saying he loves me. Do you know what that feels like? Do you remember how you felt when your dad died? Imagine your son feeling like that everytime he puts the phone down on you after he's said "I love you". Just consider for one second what your son is feeling right now. Just consider what your son is saying when he says "please stop drinking, dad". Just consider what I'm thinking when I hear you downstairs, right now, saying he's going to be "fuck all when he grows up". Just consider how I feel when you give me a death threat. Just consider how I feel when you tell mum you're going to "strangle me" for something. Just consider how you'd feel if I hung myself right now.
Just consider. I'm going now. I hope you sleep well tonight. I'll dream from a 3rd person view tonight. I'll see us arguing and then I'll walk upstairs crying, like I always do. Then, I'll hang myself. That is how it all ends.
But no, my friends are not 'fuckers'. The girls are not 'bimbos' and I'm sorry if I don't get married, like you want me to. In case you didn't realise, it's not my fault. And no, my friends are not useless. Most of them are great people who I'd die for. So yes, you can think they're detrimental to my life but they're all that keep me going.
"They're all that keep you going?", you say? Yes, they are. You're no reason for me to stay alive. If I could support my weight from my ceiling, I'd have hung myself 5 minutes ago. I think you've driven me to a certain point that I shouldn't be at when I'm only 17. I don't think I should consider suicide everytime I enter my house. I shouldn't be scared when you walk past me. I shouldn't see the devil when I look into your eyes. And I definitely shouldn't hate my own father this much.
You know, I loved you. Honestly, I did. I'd say it more than once a day to you. But you never ever said it back. Not once, that I can remember. That's a 4 year memory of my dad not saying he loves me. Do you know what that feels like? Do you remember how you felt when your dad died? Imagine your son feeling like that everytime he puts the phone down on you after he's said "I love you". Just consider for one second what your son is feeling right now. Just consider what your son is saying when he says "please stop drinking, dad". Just consider what I'm thinking when I hear you downstairs, right now, saying he's going to be "fuck all when he grows up". Just consider how I feel when you give me a death threat. Just consider how I feel when you tell mum you're going to "strangle me" for something. Just consider how you'd feel if I hung myself right now.
Just consider. I'm going now. I hope you sleep well tonight. I'll dream from a 3rd person view tonight. I'll see us arguing and then I'll walk upstairs crying, like I always do. Then, I'll hang myself. That is how it all ends.
posted by Aaron at 10:11 pm
10 Comments:
I know this is probably a stupid question, but have you tried talking to your mum about it?
Graham not the time =)
Dude im here etc etc
Aww, God, Aaron, why don't you talk to anyone about this stuff, hunni?
At least you're gonna be fine when you go uni. Just keep trying to look on the bright side, okies?
I think I've given up on the bright side and God bullshit. Sure, I made a prayer today. But what makes that prayer any different to the other 400 I made?
Anyway, Gray, I have talked to my mum about it. She sometimes defends me, sometimes doesn't. She's just your average girl. Not there for you, when you need them.
And thanks Ian. Mucho gracias.
Ian, I don't see how it's not the time, it's a serious question. And I already assured Aaron yesterday that I'm here for him if he needs me.
AARON!! I'm so sorry that you're going through that and feeling like that. Just know that I'm always here for you whenever you want to talk about anything. You've helped me so much dude, and I want to help you too!
I haven't spoken to you a lot recently which is a shame but seriously dude, anytime you want to talk about anything, I'm here for you. I may not be the best person for making things any better and I may not be the person you go to first when you've got a problem, but just know that if you want to talk, all you have to do is say.
Dave, you're no help at all. :P
But thanks for trying. :P
I apoligse Graham it just seemed the kind of thing I would say and thus is usually bad. I apoligise...I need you.
cheer up buddy!! life's amazing!!
I'm glad life's so good for you. Mine's not. Shut up.
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